A year ago, about this time, I was so excited about my new life direction. New energy, new prospects, new surroundings. Today, I am still embracing change, as I approaching my second-year of law school, and I am excited about this moment, if not law school itself (for reasons which seem evident to any lawyer).
At our POC sangha this month, we reflected on how mindfulness changed our lives. I appreciated the question because it had been some time that I contemplated my past practice, leading up to this point. At the turn of the year, I made commitment to mindfulness, so that I could be less future-oriented and more present-minded. I've come some way. I visited my previous blogs from August 08 - July 09 so consider insights, lessons, and observations.
In August,
-I learned how to surrender to silence. Practice of "letting go."
-I observed how my identities have evolved, changed, and replaced themselves during my lifetime. Impermanence.
-I wrote a poem about love's re-discovery. Practice of metta.
In September,
-I noticed that Dharma (truth) is everywhere. Fourth Noble Truth; the path toward freedom.
-I paused to witness the beauty of autumn, my favorite season. Four Immeasurable Minds; compassion and equanimity.
In October,
-I posted a picture that I'd drawn of a heart-opening and a deeply-moving quote about the foundation of love. Mindfulness.
-I reflected on the miracle of meditation and contemplative stillness to create peace. Skillful Concentration; one-pointedness concentration.
-I wrote about finding home. Skillful thinking.
-I discussed my own failures regarding sex-positivity and harmful consumption. Skillful action.
In November,
-I described the power of remembering, as inspired by James Baldwin. Own Buddha-nature and karma.
-I posted a friend's writing about America's historical election. Three refuges; building sangha.
-I reflected on spiritual terrorism on National Transgender Remembrance Day. Third Noble Truth; cessation to suffering is possible.
-I wrote an open letter to other left-visionaries. Three Doors of Liberation; aimlessness.
-I was reminded about inter-connectedness after seeing Milk. Three Doors of Liberation; emptiness (selflessness).
In December,
-I re-visited my own body-relationship after a body-meditation. Mindfulness meditation.
-I contemplated family-inherited struggles and how I will serve as a vessel for breaking-free. Prajnaparamita (understanding).
-I committed to a more simple lifestyle. Skillful action.
In January,
-I documented my southern road trip to see family in Georgia & Alabama. Skillful effort.
-I shared my first silent retreat experience where I committed to mindfulness.
-I celebrated Martin Luther King Jr.'s spirit and legacy. Four Immeasurable Minds; compassion and equanimity.
In February,
-I recounted the incredible struggle to defend my True Sangha. First Noble Truth; life is suffering.
-I shared my thoughts about "giving" after a Baha'i Devotional. Danaparamita; generosity.
-I honored a younger, wise friend of mine with a poem. Six paramitas; "perfect wisdom."
In March,
-I divulged my challenges with skillful speech and how sacred pausing helped my skillfness. Skillful speech.
-I reveled about "little people" after visiting my friend, Catherine's, first-graders. Buddha-nature, continuity/reincarnation, beginner's mind.
In April,
-I observed Dr. Seuss' lessons about compassion. Four Immeasurable Minds.
-I claimed Buddha as my life co-pilot. Fourth Noble Truth; a way toward freedom.
-I recalled my abandoned beliefs about permanence. Three Doors of Liberation; impermanence and signlessness (seeing beyond the surface).
In May,
-I wrote a poem about my abandoned attachment to always being happy. Third Noble Truth; desire as suffering.
-I wrote about the power of reiki and healing. Fourth Noble Truth; a path toward freedom.
-I expressed gratitude about living among community (of all life) after visiting a neighborhood garden. Four Immeasurable Minds; lovingkindness and joy.
In June,
-I used a nature metaphor to share about difference and belonging. Kshantiparamita (capacity to receive, bear and transform pain).
-I described how I re-discovered joy once I understood my parents' addictions. Four Immeasurable Minds; joy.
In July,
-I came upon the dharma that I needed on holisitic work and honoring self. Skillful Livelihood.
-I posted a poem that I wrote for a dear friend about the Oneness of mind, heart, and soul. Three Doors of Liberation; signlessness.
In August,
-I came upon another dharmic lesson: how to turn away from fear. Practice of "letting go."
Really, each of these lessons, is ultimately the same lesson--another step away from greed, delusion, and fear. I am incredibly thankful for the spiritual growth over the past two years, and I see endless possibilities at the end of another moment, another year.
This will be the Year of Concentration. If mindfulness is a transformation of heart, concentration is a transformation of mind.
I'll see y'all along the way.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
"You Will Get the Dharma You Need" Act Two: Freedom from Fear
I intended to write this entry three weeks ago after an uninhibited weekend trip where I began to discover the thread which runs through pageanism, Buddhism, and domination/submission spirituality. In fact, the Act One teaser made a glib reference to "Buddhism & BDSM." But, as we know, plans are fragile expressions, so I find myself, nearly three weeks later describing this month's lessons on fear. It is only a short leap, however, between pain and persistence, and during these recent days, my blind fear pushed me to enter fearlessness--a formless, peaceful place.
My defeat over fear began in June. I experienced a psychic sea-change, meaning, I felt a new air surrounding me. In a way that one might notice a subtle shift in time or space when waking up the morning after a major life event. Things are simply different. This is how I felt the month of June. I acted "out-of-character." I tried seemingly random new things (kayaking, foods, people). I made choices that I would have never before considered. I shed those heavy self-imposed limitations with every decision. Life became particularly fun. And, remarkably, I didn't think too much about it.
My sea-change washed into an erotic July community camp-out. My dear high school friend signed us up for an all-gender, all sexuality, all-sexual explorative weekend in a remote West Virginia campground. (I playfully warned friends to send a search team if I did not return.) Ethan described his experience on his blog. As for myself, I can only describe our time there as living in an alternate universe where outside conventions were not at all assumed or even preferred. Leather sex-games took place next to eating areas; bearded, full-breasted people wandered fully exposed; and pagean gods/goddesses were often evoked for guidance. I noticed: the strangest place I had ever known, also transformed into a momentary home.
Fittingly, the first workshop we attended, called Honor and Service, explored the spiritual aspects in a domination and submission lifestyle. This lifestyle calls for a dominant to essentially own a submissive, a form of voluntary slavery, toward a purpose to experience total intimacy. A "sub" finds selflessness by several means, including surrendering his/her identity to a dominant--no personal thoughts/feelings, no separate decision-making, no independent personality from the submissive role. A "dom," in turn, is governed by a noble ethic to best serve the "sub." If a sub is to surrender to a dom, a dom is to surrender to Universe (or in the workshop's case, a pagean God). Power's absoluteness did not destroy or corrupt either participant, rather, it shaped the karmic power of their indistinguishable being. A formula resembling, Humility plus Compassion equals a spiritual partnership. I came to understand.
Later in the day, like most others, I abandoned my proclivities by the dirt roadside. I flounced about outside during a thunderstorm, I leafed through available pornography, and, without too much reservation, I stripped off my clothes for Saturday evening. What use did I have for them, anyway? I was elsewhere--perhaps a place called freedom.
A place to which I returned this week. It was long and complicated, but what I will offer are the sanguine words of a Spiritualist minister who advised me last weekend: "It's OK. Take a chance. Even if it's not OK, it will be fine." Because simplicity are empowered by context, these words were the most consoling words that I could have then heard. He offered me clarity. I accepted.
He further offered me this: I was unaware of my own power through which I would discover all the answers to my deepest questions, if only I meditate. In other words, all I needed to do is ask myself. His words, thrown upon the sea-change, thrust me into fearlessness. Once he offered me the possibility to be powerful, I gave myself permission.. Why be afraid if I could hold the worst-to-happen, and better yet, I was able to transform it, seeing it clearly into its true nature. Indeed, the worst happened the previous week. On Saturday, the day before the sermon, I removed the distractions--I embraced the heaviness--I examined experience for knowledge--and I was here, receiving advice. I accepted and I let go.
In hindsight, I see that "doing new things," "worrying less," and "breathing more," were synonyms for surrender. It isn't hands-in-the-air desperation nor is it a grinding ambivalence. It's merely being OK. A silent strength that runs in your veins. So, on Tuesday, while on the bus, I realized that I was no longer afraid. I suppose this is fearlessness. It feels good and most of all, it feels like a transformative change. Exactly the dharma that I needed.
My defeat over fear began in June. I experienced a psychic sea-change, meaning, I felt a new air surrounding me. In a way that one might notice a subtle shift in time or space when waking up the morning after a major life event. Things are simply different. This is how I felt the month of June. I acted "out-of-character." I tried seemingly random new things (kayaking, foods, people). I made choices that I would have never before considered. I shed those heavy self-imposed limitations with every decision. Life became particularly fun. And, remarkably, I didn't think too much about it.
My sea-change washed into an erotic July community camp-out. My dear high school friend signed us up for an all-gender, all sexuality, all-sexual explorative weekend in a remote West Virginia campground. (I playfully warned friends to send a search team if I did not return.) Ethan described his experience on his blog. As for myself, I can only describe our time there as living in an alternate universe where outside conventions were not at all assumed or even preferred. Leather sex-games took place next to eating areas; bearded, full-breasted people wandered fully exposed; and pagean gods/goddesses were often evoked for guidance. I noticed: the strangest place I had ever known, also transformed into a momentary home.
Fittingly, the first workshop we attended, called Honor and Service, explored the spiritual aspects in a domination and submission lifestyle. This lifestyle calls for a dominant to essentially own a submissive, a form of voluntary slavery, toward a purpose to experience total intimacy. A "sub" finds selflessness by several means, including surrendering his/her identity to a dominant--no personal thoughts/feelings, no separate decision-making, no independent personality from the submissive role. A "dom," in turn, is governed by a noble ethic to best serve the "sub." If a sub is to surrender to a dom, a dom is to surrender to Universe (or in the workshop's case, a pagean God). Power's absoluteness did not destroy or corrupt either participant, rather, it shaped the karmic power of their indistinguishable being. A formula resembling, Humility plus Compassion equals a spiritual partnership. I came to understand.
Later in the day, like most others, I abandoned my proclivities by the dirt roadside. I flounced about outside during a thunderstorm, I leafed through available pornography, and, without too much reservation, I stripped off my clothes for Saturday evening. What use did I have for them, anyway? I was elsewhere--perhaps a place called freedom.
A place to which I returned this week. It was long and complicated, but what I will offer are the sanguine words of a Spiritualist minister who advised me last weekend: "It's OK. Take a chance. Even if it's not OK, it will be fine." Because simplicity are empowered by context, these words were the most consoling words that I could have then heard. He offered me clarity. I accepted.
He further offered me this: I was unaware of my own power through which I would discover all the answers to my deepest questions, if only I meditate. In other words, all I needed to do is ask myself. His words, thrown upon the sea-change, thrust me into fearlessness. Once he offered me the possibility to be powerful, I gave myself permission.. Why be afraid if I could hold the worst-to-happen, and better yet, I was able to transform it, seeing it clearly into its true nature. Indeed, the worst happened the previous week. On Saturday, the day before the sermon, I removed the distractions--I embraced the heaviness--I examined experience for knowledge--and I was here, receiving advice. I accepted and I let go.
In hindsight, I see that "doing new things," "worrying less," and "breathing more," were synonyms for surrender. It isn't hands-in-the-air desperation nor is it a grinding ambivalence. It's merely being OK. A silent strength that runs in your veins. So, on Tuesday, while on the bus, I realized that I was no longer afraid. I suppose this is fearlessness. It feels good and most of all, it feels like a transformative change. Exactly the dharma that I needed.
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