Your Liberation, My Liberation, Our Liberation

Not too long ago, I returned from seeing "Milk." It's a profoundly inspiring (and well-made) account of Harvey Milk's late-life. I had planned to write this post for several days, but I should credit the film for creating just the right mood for me to assess and share where I am.

:Deep sigh: All times, and especially this time of year, I undergo an emotional inventory. Often I am hard on myself as the New Year turns. I never achieve all that I wish (which is not an unusual feeling). It's strange, however, because I am never my harshiest critic. It's something about seeing another year in retrospect.

I am actively attempting to counter-balance these negative feelings by looking onto my spiritual growth. It has been significant and it has taken me places which I never could have imagined existed for me a year ago. One day I may be able to chronologically trace it. For now, I will just sum it up the best I can. I have not embraced any single faith of my own. I believe in order to reflect the world's stunning nuance, I could not do so with a single lens, no matter how wide or strong. I continue seeking as if this lifetime's liberation depended on it.

Soul. When I was a young philosophite I insisted that soul was nothing more than our self-conception. My sense of reason could not know better. Over time I substituted my intuition for my intellect. It felt right. Ever since I have been able to "feel" soul even if I could not properly conceive or explain it. Soul consists of unique energy that we possess. Mine resides just above my heart. Soul is me and soul is all things.

Energy. All things are energy. When I was younger, my Christian-raised mother exposed me to this idea called energy. When necessary she'd turn on her initution like a switch. I had long-wondered what guided her. In pieces over the years I learned that she saw energy, nature, and love combined forces into God. I call the culmination of these forces, Universe. Similar ideas. From quantum physics to aura, I see energy as the basis of all things. It radiates or deteriorates. We are able to shape its direction--that is our human power.

Nature and Living Things. After an estranged lifetime, I am slowly reuniting with living things. See more green. Becoming vegan. Knowing which natural resources sustained my livelihood. I can appreciate my connection to water. I am no longer offended by co-existing with other living things. And I sometimes contemplate how I am dominating our shared space (although I remain unsure about what to do). This planet for which I am a guest and I are reconciling with my host. Other living things, Earth, and myself are no longer distinguishable.

Time. I had always had a complicated relationship with death. I was uncertain what it entailed, and more important, I was afraid to face it before I was ready, which meant I was afraid to die before accomplishing what I intended. That fear has virtually evaporated this year for several reasons, some clearer than others. Nonetheless, I am happy with how I have lived my life and how I live it each day. Perhaps my morbid prediction about dying by a random space toilet was more of a quirky prediction about spiritual finality? I am finally comfortable with time itself being beyond my comprehension, around and through I construct. I know of reincarnation. I see my daily choices as ones for this lifetime, which is a manageable idea compared to ones that may reverberate ad infintium. There is always enough time.

Practice. Since beginning Buddhist meditation nearly a year ago I see myself within a "practice." Meditation came naturally, yet practice always felt broader. It was never a quantity nor a quality. It was more of a constant challenge, "how could I be a better human?" Today I intentionally practice by writing, reading, discussing, and mediating. I try to mindfully practice every moment.

Art. There are few things I love in this world more than beauty. Transcendental experiences are ushered by beautiful things. Art moves me as well as other self-expression. Music. Spontaneity. Poetry. Eloquence. Photography. Courage. Performance. Self-expression is easily spiritual. I will be doing more of it.

Love. One of the reasons why I have set aside my fear of death is because I have known true love. Such an experience defies any description I could write at this time. Love is energy and soul and much more. I intend to discover a love that I could know beyond this lifetime and every other convention that we impose.


Future. There is a particular lesson I learned about the future this year. Each action you take alters even the most predictable "future." That's why choice is so powerful. There were times when I had certain knowledge--unshakeable knowledge about what was to come--and it always came to fruition--just never the way I had anticipated. My expectations, not my knowledge, were fickle.

I cannot wait to see what is next. :)