There are two inches between the top of my hip bone and the bottom of my ribcage. I find this fact remarkable. I hardly have a torso! I had made this observation before, though, not in such an illustrative way. I am amazed that I have all of the internal organs I need--and that they fit.
My body and body-relationship have rapidly changed over a year. At the same time I hardly look at "it." If I closed my eyes and envisioned my body, parts would be missing. These parts would not be missing because I am necessarily ashamed or embarrassed of how I look. Rather, I just don't have a vivid memory of what these parts look like, likely, for the reason I never take an opportunity to see my body as much as I feel my body. It was a stunning realization.
I wonder if I was subconsciously motivated by recent conversations about body image. Within November I spoke to two women about our body-relationships, their evolutions, and our relative happy places at present. I concluded that I am happy with my body despite my wanting body-relationship. I attribute improvements to a health consciousness that reflects through my body in a way I have not known during my adult life. I pay much more attention to what I put into it (what I choose NOT to put into it), how I treat it, and how I see it--as also a deserving part of me. I no longer wish to look or appear a certain way. I feel good and my body agrees.
How can I characterize this transformation? My shift in thinking from an assailed body-image to a happy body-relationship. I refer to another lesson from The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings. Thich Nhat Hahn describes the Three Bodies of Buddha as Dharmakaya (source of enlightenment and happiness), Sambhogakaya (body of bliss or enjoyment), and Nirmanakaya (historial embodiment of the Buddha). My physical body has benefited from my return to activity. Exercise allows me to see Dharmakaya, feel Sambhogakaya, and be led to Nirmanakaya.
I previously called my early life my athletic "first life." I was always active because I was naturally inclined to be and enjoyed experiencing my nature. I was forced to suddenly leaving team sports as a teenager, and I struggled to return to an active way of being without team sports. During my senior year in high school, I discovered power-lifting. Today, weight-lifting is a passion. I look forward to building my strength, setting and reaching goals, and essentially challenging myself in a productive way.
Dharmakaya means that the living Dharma can be seen and lived by us. We can see it in a sunset, a blossoming tree, or pushing 30 lbs. weights over our heads. It is when we see light before us so that our path toward love and understanding is clear. Exercise allows me to feed my body, and thus, practice self-love.
Sambhogakaya is the celebration attached to the living Dharma. It is easy to see how physical activity manifests itself vis-a-vis bliss, enjoyment, results, and rewards. Particularly satisfying is reaching a weight-or-running goal which you have set for yourself. In many ways exercise is a great metaphor for the practice. Incremental training, persistence, and patience lead to the Sambhogakaya body. Ultimately mindfulness toward your body and each (training) moment makes a strong, vital self.
Exercise is a form of self-love that relieved suffering to which I had grown so accustomed that I did not even realize it existed. Nirmanakaya is here.
Now it is just a matter of embodying this experience into other parts of my life. I guess that's all it takes :)
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115 Milligrams: A Response to Richael's "Two Inches"
I always find it incredibly interesting to read about people's journey to finding contentment with their own bodies. Maybe not contentment... sometimes it's comfort... familiarity... something antithetical to the profound alienation and dysphoria others feel. I think I enjoy reading these kind of posts because I thoroughly appreciate when people show compassion for other living creatures, including themselves, and too often people only limit their caring to one or the other.
So, thus far, I have taken a cumulative 115mg of T. I feel like the effects are imaginary, but I am enjoying imagining them! I imagine my hips are getting smaller, my shoulders are getting broader, that my face looks more attractive, and that I stand a little taller. It's hard learning to love yourself-- it's like any kind of learning where there's a lot of practice involved, there's a hell of a lot of frustration, and there are often 'quizzes' and 'tests' to see how far you've come. (I'm not speaking to YOU, specifically, that's more of a general 'YOU'.) But you know what I mean. People talk about childhood and adolescence as the times when our bodies change the most and we are forced to awkwardly keep up. Honestly, as long as we're mindfully discovering new things about ourselves--whether it's the length of our torsos or the circumference of our hips-- and as long as we can accept these quirks with the same open-mindedness and compassion we would if the measurements belonged to someone else, then we will always been bringing each of our bodies closer to together: closer to peace.
Easier said than done, but worth a shot. ;) Thanks for your post.
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