"You Will Get the Dharma You Need" Act Two: Freedom from Fear

I intended to write this entry three weeks ago after an uninhibited weekend trip where I began to discover the thread which runs through pageanism, Buddhism, and domination/submission spirituality. In fact, the Act One teaser made a glib reference to "Buddhism & BDSM." But, as we know, plans are fragile expressions, so I find myself, nearly three weeks later describing this month's lessons on fear. It is only a short leap, however, between pain and persistence, and during these recent days, my blind fear pushed me to enter fearlessness--a formless, peaceful place.

My defeat over fear began in June. I experienced a psychic sea-change, meaning, I felt a new air surrounding me. In a way that one might notice a subtle shift in time or space when waking up the morning after a major life event. Things are simply different. This is how I felt the month of June. I acted "out-of-character." I tried seemingly random new things (kayaking, foods, people). I made choices that I would have never before considered. I shed those heavy self-imposed limitations with every decision. Life became particularly fun. And, remarkably, I didn't think too much about it.

My sea-change washed into an erotic July community camp-out. My dear high school friend signed us up for an all-gender, all sexuality, all-sexual explorative weekend in a remote West Virginia campground. (I playfully warned friends to send a search team if I did not return.) Ethan described his experience on his blog. As for myself, I can only describe our time there as living in an alternate universe where outside conventions were not at all assumed or even preferred. Leather sex-games took place next to eating areas; bearded, full-breasted people wandered fully exposed; and pagean gods/goddesses were often evoked for guidance. I noticed: the strangest place I had ever known, also transformed into a momentary home.

Fittingly, the first workshop we attended, called Honor and Service, explored the spiritual aspects in a domination and submission lifestyle. This lifestyle calls for a dominant to essentially own a submissive, a form of voluntary slavery, toward a purpose to experience total intimacy. A "sub" finds selflessness by several means, including surrendering his/her identity to a dominant--no personal thoughts/feelings, no separate decision-making, no independent personality from the submissive role. A "dom," in turn, is governed by a noble ethic to best serve the "sub." If a sub is to surrender to a dom, a dom is to surrender to Universe (or in the workshop's case, a pagean God). Power's absoluteness did not destroy or corrupt either participant, rather, it shaped the karmic power of their indistinguishable being. A formula resembling, Humility plus Compassion equals a spiritual partnership. I came to understand.

Later in the day, like most others, I abandoned my proclivities by the dirt roadside. I flounced about outside during a thunderstorm, I leafed through available pornography, and, without too much reservation, I stripped off my clothes for Saturday evening. What use did I have for them, anyway? I was elsewhere--perhaps a place called freedom.

A place to which I returned this week. It was long and complicated, but what I will offer are the sanguine words of a Spiritualist minister who advised me last weekend: "It's OK. Take a chance. Even if it's not OK, it will be fine." Because simplicity are empowered by context, these words were the most consoling words that I could have then heard. He offered me clarity. I accepted.

He further offered me this: I was unaware of my own power through which I would discover all the answers to my deepest questions, if only I meditate. In other words, all I needed to do is ask myself. His words, thrown upon the sea-change, thrust me into fearlessness. Once he offered me the possibility to be powerful, I gave myself permission.. Why be afraid if I could hold the worst-to-happen, and better yet, I was able to transform it, seeing it clearly into its true nature. Indeed, the worst happened the previous week. On Saturday, the day before the sermon, I removed the distractions--I embraced the heaviness--I examined experience for knowledge--and I was here, receiving advice. I accepted and I let go.

In hindsight, I see that "doing new things," "worrying less," and "breathing more," were synonyms for surrender. It isn't hands-in-the-air desperation nor is it a grinding ambivalence. It's merely being OK. A silent strength that runs in your veins. So, on Tuesday, while on the bus, I realized that I was no longer afraid. I suppose this is fearlessness. It feels good and most of all, it feels like a transformative change. Exactly the dharma that I needed.