That Which Flows: The Color & The Light

That which flows in us and through us never stays and always goes. From the moment it enters us we will transform it. The substance containing our mind, body, and spirit is ever-changing, yet for a brief time we can show the world what we're made of. It sees our color as we try to see its light...

Yesterday I attended my first LGBTQ sangha. Our dharma talk topic was one of the Eightfold Path branches, "Right Speech." When La offered several teachings to guide our discussion. One saying which La described an idea that between the moment we hear and the moment we act lies our freedom. This idea remained with me as we began discussion.

To my surprise the first half of the dharma talk was dominated by contemplative silence. Many members shared that as same-gender loving or gender non-conforming folk, right speech was the most challenging aspect of the Eightfold Path. Several gay men expressed their struggle with falling into the gossipy-queen stereotype. A few people told about how they said dishonest things to fit into conventional culture. Several others wrestled with meanings behind truthfulness. I was moved to speak once La spoke about a recent experience involving a well-intentioned mentor mishearing La's sadness about a situation for which this person was responsible. They were able to meet each other because La was able to express hurt without blame. For them, right speech ultimately deepened their friendship. I wondered: what does right speech (actually) mean for me?

I don't share much at any sangha because it is my way of practicing right speech. I try to be "lean of expression," only speaking when I can contribute.

This time I talked about my evolving relationship with one of my housemates. She and I were never close and at times, caused a great deal of anxiety in one another. We are very different in our lifestyles and outlooks so that household issues were underscored by our divergent personalities. Finally, she and I went on a housemate date to a restaurant. Mostly I listened to her emotional struggle with winter that brought on seasonal depression. Admittedly I could not relate to her but I listened closely. And I listened our understanding into existence. Since dinner our relationship has been easier. I learned that the better I understood her, the more my heart opened from which right view and right speech flowed. The other half of right speech is right listening. I began a particular practice since learning about right speech a year ago.

When I hear things I find freedom in a smiling pause. Sometimes I smile inwardly, but when faced with difficult speech, I smile for others to see. During this pause I consider four forms of speech. If I am hurt, feel a reluctant heart, or poised toward unwise speech, I practice Noble Silence. If I am confused or simply do not understand, I ask to practice right listening by saying, "I don't understand. Can you tell me more?" If I feel an open heart, I engage right speech by sharing a loving-truth. I am able to share my truth in a loving way, while at the same time acknowledging their own truth. I do not privilege either truth, instead, I choose to observe every one. Lastly, if my heart is open and full, I engage in "extra" speech, where I do not say too much but I do say more. Something positive, meaningful, or loving that can inspire joy. I tell a good friend how much I love them or I tell a family member how much I appreciate them or I tell a person I am getting to know about a good quality I've noticed. Training myself to pause, see these four aspects, and choosing among them, I often practice right speech.

That is not say that I don't hurt people or say unwise things. But accompanied with right intention and right view, most often I believe that my words heal rather than harm.

After my sharing I noticed the sangha began imparting other techniques! Visioning was the most prevalent in which people imagined themselves talking to a lover, child, themselves, or even a cash prize-offerer. La suggested at the end that observant non-action is a way of engaging right speech. Non-action is not silence; it's unwise speech. However, if we cannot cultivate lovingkindness for a person and see this much, our awareness is a right-speech "seed." Perhaps as we understand this person, we can call on our compassionate mind in the future for right speech. Or if we train ourselves through metta meditation, our future exchanges may become more positive.

All in all I enjoyed the talk even though it was a very different flavor from the POC sangha. Afterward, feeling shy, I kept to myself and prepared to leave. One woman noticed me and introduced herself. We briefly discussed how long we'd attended IMCW sanghas, then, our conversation just stopped. We stood in silence. She was thinking so I smiled waiting for her. She finally said, "Just one thing: you should speak up more, I could not hear you. I should have said something but I did not want to interrupt."

So there, I paused, looked down, and smiled. About ten seconds passed. Looking up I said, "Some days I'm able to project and some days I find myself unable to speak. You are not the only person to mention my soft-spokenness. Today it was hard to speak but I will be more mindful to project in the future...Thank you." We said our goodbyes, and I smiled walking upstairs amused by the reality that we can practice right speech even in the most awkward of conversations :)

We're able to see the light no matter the color.

R.