Womb Space

Last weekend I attended my very first Buddhist-meditation retreat with my home-community, Insight Meditation Center of Washington (IMCW). Each year IMCW sponsors a Women's Retreat, and this year I was fortunately enough to be part of the Retreat's most diverse gathering yet. It was located in lonesome and remote New Winston, Maryland, among rolling hills and farmland. Me and my new partners-in-crime, Gretchen, and Pabitra (all beautiful folks of color) took the scenic route through rural Maryland to our destination, which we were especially glad we reached--all things considered.

I didn't have any expectations for the weekend nor did I have a particular intention for practice. I only knew a few things: seventy or so women planned to attend, a majority were either queer or women of color, we would engage in Noble Silence, and we would be meditating, a lot. Each expectation was met.

We had a simple schedule. Noble Silence began after our first sitting meditation on Friday; sitting and walking meditation on Saturday punctuated by a few non-meditative activities, like yoga, group interviews, and sacred circle dancing; and Sunday was reserved for a final sitting medtiation, small and large group processing, and goodbyes.

I had shared with friends before I left that I was not intimdated by the silence. The idea--silence all weekend--really bothered some friends of mine. That is something that you wouldn't do voluntarily without being offered large sums of money. Others thought expressed admiration but assured me that they couldn't do it themselves. Over the past year my life's narration has unfolded inside my own head. I spent much of my time in silence either reading, listening to music, writing, etc, but alas, Noble Silence is a different sort of thing. When engaged in Noble Silence you forbear any thought-provoking activity, such as reading, listeing to music, writing, so that you are truly within yourself.

It dawned on me: this is serious.

I also learned post-retreat that eye-contact or other gesturing is also disfavored. Oops. I should have attended that Beginner session. At least if I offened anyone I did not hear about it on Sunday.

Overall I enjoyed the retreat and gained a few important insights. I admit that the experience did not come together until Sunday when we talked to each other about what had just occurred. This was really our first and only opportunity to wholly commune with other participants during which time I found much in common with seemingly different women. In fact, a very nice older white woman paid me a compliment at the end of our small group talk. She told me "You are beautiful. I mean, you have a beautiful face." I felt beautiful at that moment. Thank you, Adrienne :)

A common Buddhist allegory is about "making an island onto yourself." To practice mindfulness sometimes it is necessary to take a sacred pause in which you can close your eyes and envision yourself retreating to your safe, private island. Well, over the weekend, I felt like I was on an island, but more of a Gilligan's. I was shipwrecked so that the prospect of other life inspired me.

I found that Noble Silence paired with our restricted activity nearly drove me mad. I reached a breaking point during our pre-dinner sit around 5pm. There was little I could do, however. I sat there rather helplessly, impatiently. My meditation awareness went as far as I was very much aware that I was uncomfortable. My eyes began scanning the room. I found a flame upon a candle, and I just stared. I must have continued staring because my mind went somewhere else. I wasn't thinking or dreaming, instead, I went within myself searching to see what was left. Then, sit was over. Forty-five minutes passed. I had one of my most probing and emotional sitting meditations in some time. What a lesson! Actually, I should say: what lessons! (It reminded of our pre-breakfast sit which was another positive experience for me. I had become nauseous during meditation. After a few moments I decided to simply "sit" with it. Acknowledge and embrace the pain knowing that it would pass. It did. Another valuable lesson.)

Another important insight is that when I hand-supreme a tangerine I need to do so with the flesh facing down. I had several seeds flying across the silent dinner hall never to be found again. If I hit someone I would have infringed on so many teachings simultaneously! (Of course, I'm kidding. That is Wrong Thinking. If I had hit someone and they did not suffer too much I would have been taught quite a few things, including how to deal with mortal embarrassment within sangha.)

I also enjoyed sacred circle dancing. I love dancing and expressive, emotive dancing is even better. We weren't exactly in a drum circle but synchronized stepping to "Hindu" music bound by pinkies was surprisingly fun.

On late Sunday morning all three of us packed up our things, and returned to all the things we knew. A funny thing? I felt the retreat's most potent effects on Monday morning. I was able to wake up a few minutes early to do some yoga poses. I stretched my hamstrings, inner thighs, and pec-muscles where a lot of my stress resides. I was more clear-minded throughout the day. I was very mindful. My practice only grew stronger throughout the week. My third-eye seems much sharper. I can attribute my deepened mindfulness to the retreat, which is nice because my year-long intention is to cultivate my mindfulness practice.

So when I checked off "attend retreat" on my list of "2009 Commitments" taped to my tall drawer I knew that there was a great deal of power behind that stroke.

It should be a good year.