Athlete's Anonymous

Me: "Uh...I'm Richael."

AA: "Hi Richael!"

Me: "Yeah, OK. I'm Richael and I'm a recovering athlete."

Facilitator: "Richael, are you recovering from an injury or from athletics?"

Me:"Neither, I think."

Facilitator: "Uh hum. What brings you here tonight, Richael?"

Me: "I hope to regain my athlete-identity."

AA: Applause.

Facilitator: "Well, I believe that you've come to the right place."

I abandoned sports eight years ago. Soaked in irritation, I walked off the soccer field after a particularly unsportsman-like game, vowing to never return to the competition-crazed environment from which I escaped. In hindsight, choosing to leave soccer --more than a game but a passion--was the singularly hardest choice I've made. I look upon my choice now as my second, life-defining loss, an absence that I have long-mourned and felt deep nostalgia. I was able to play several more games in high school through a friendship league, and joined a mid-level team this past fall, yet it's not the same.

I left soccer, and essentially, my athletic-self when I was 14 when it became clear that the activity which I loved the most, was simultaneously the source of bitterness and resentment. Soon after I listened to a Junior Olympic coach's speech about the necessary total-commitment to soccer in order to achieve ulimate success, and moreover, to justify our fulfilled commitment to this fragile point, I made the only decision I could. At a precise moment, I subconsciously selected against the game. I was fed up with the coercive metriocracy designed for young women to fight one another for self-valuation. Even more so I was driven away by the bordering delusionary competitive ethic which pervaded players and parents alike.

We, as talented soccer players and young women, were led so far away from the reasons we continued to play that we weren't able to critically see the highly-politicized and destructive competition system we had unwittingly entered. I was finished with seven day a week training and my showboat father who made me loathe seeing a ball. I quit, and I did so years earlier than my counterparts, few whom persisted to play high school or even college-level soccer. We were all burned out, though, I may have been among a minority who viewed the problems with beginning competitive training at 7 years old and domineering male coaches as part of a broader commentary about the worst American values.

I went on quickly pick-up lacrosse (in an unusual way), play basketball, and learn powerlifting at at a reasonably competitive high school level. I shied away from depletingly-dominating coach personalities and relied on team-building values as survival strategies. Never again, I told myself, would I tumble down the high-stakes competitive black-hole to which I nearly fell victim during my early life. Today, I'm still healing, yet I've begun to embrace the residue from those formative seven years as an elite trainee.

Re-defining my athlete identity is largely determined by two tasks. I've noticed more often about values I possess shaped by sports. I attribute my draw to volunteerism, and eventually activism, to soccer. Numerous team-building ethics are relevant to public service of all shades. I'm able to keep my head in illness-inducing competitive environment--instead, I keep my own pace and manage my stress well. I'm able to reduce intimidating challenges into dissectable pieces with a mental agility earned from constant problem solving on the field. I appreciate things for what they are, and even understand how healthy competition can be fun and good-spirited. Unlike many of my peers, I also have cultivated my own definiton for success, and truly know that losing is wholly instructive. These values and perspectives are from soccer, basketball and lacrosse (team sports which I have played). Self-determination, goal-setting, and paced challenges are from weight-lifting. Each important in their own rite.

I've discovered that those near and dear to me have no idea what any of this means. (We may, for example, deeply disagree about how to interpret the Bejing Games controversy.) A couple friends who labored with music relate on some level. But since sports, specifically women's sports, possess such an embattled and unique place in American culture, my experience is most accessible to other recovering athletes. I should take this opportunity to add that being an athlete is more than playing a sport or sports. I think my previous comments implicitly share how the culture and ethics surrounding athletics is special, and potentially worthy of another blog entry. Suffice it to say that I've always been comfortable being labeled an athlete in the same way I've been called an intellectual, or just plain dork. A good athlete is a good intellectual.

I'm inspired to re-claim my athlete identity since I am on the road to returning to the physical shape of my former self. That's one of two essential parts. The second involves re-constructing my athlete mentality. Pushing myself toward physical goals is encouraging and exciting.

I got this!

See ya,
R.