Sex +

This weekend my ever-politically conscience house hosted an event called a "clothing swap." Participants are encouraged to bring unwanted clothes and exchange them for others' unwanted clothes. Our clothing swap also included other activities, like hair-cutting, in an effort to encourage donations (a CISPES & Critical Resistance fundraiser).

If you entered the Hamilton abode on Sunday morning, you would have seen a clothing dozen piles throughout our three common areas. Shoes and other accessories were in the back "workroom" where I prefer to study. I was wading through shoes when I literally stumbled on a plastic bag.

I had tripped on a dildo. A dildo which looked eerily similar to the one I used to own. (Hm.)

As always, when in doubt, I ask Cyres about life's befuddlements. I ask, "Whose is that?" To which he replies with his usual unimpressed expression, "That's yours. We dug it out for the swap but since no one knew what it was made of, no one wanted it."

I looked down: I was still a less-than-proud owner of an unwanted dildo lying on the carpet beneath me. (I have real complicated feelings about dildos. More on this...sometime.)

At the Metta House, we call ourselves a "sex-positive" household. I was long-familiar with the idea, yet never fully knew what it was. So in an effort to be hip I did what any other curious but (at times) painfully shy person would do. I anonymously asked my housemates on our communal whiteboard: "How would you describe 'sex positive'?"

Of course Cyres wrote a reply (manifesto) that took up the entire board. His gist was that sex positivity was the affirmative response to a sexually repressive culture. I go through the checklist. Do I support comprehensive and age-appropriate sex education? Definitely. Do I acknowledge the broad range of sexual desires and choices that exist beyond heterosexual monogamy? For sure. Do I believe that consenting adults should inform and empower themselves about their sexual choices? Absolutely. Do I think that we, as a cultural collective, should encourage and facilitate sexual health? No doubt.

I've passed the test. But have I?

I often am very reserved and shy concerning the topic--sex. Although I gave a sociology presentation on "S&M" in college, suggested visiting a sex shop for a date this summer, and recently had a thoughtful conversation about sex, body image and gender, some people may consider me reluctantly sex-positive.

I've outed myself as a sexual conservative on more than one occasion. On a personal level, monogamy is my only option with my partner (with the expectation that I will have a life-partner); sex is contained within a monogamous relationship, in which sex is a means of reaching spiritual communion; sensuality usually prevails over sex; and a variety of sexual acts, like viewing pornography or masturbation, are never my recreation.

What's more is that I have trouble embracing certain types of sexual liberation. Indiscriminate sex, for example, or possessing many sexual partners, just confuses me. I have an intellectual understanding but I have never felt sexual liberation as independent from psychological, spiritual or psychic pain. I'm honestly not sure what this tension means.

I'll continue to reflect. Sex has been absent from my life for some time now and I do not intend to change this fact in the near future.

I am, however, surprised that I wrote this blog ;)

Simply Memoir

Today I attended a powerful workshop called "Writing Identities" led by Lori Tharps, author of Kinky Gazpacho. Designed for aspiring memoir writers, Lori explained the transformative nature of writing our own stories, why we seek to learn stories like our own, and how we go about starting the journey.

We begin with this: a memoir is not necessarily self-indulgent. Especially for those of us who have few stories which reflect our lives or appreciate the uniqueness of every story, memoir-writing tells truths in a culture that does not (story)tell nor accept truth. Memoirs possess the power to help heal, to expose, to challenge, to share. Contrary to "conventional wisdom" memoirs do not tell your complete life-story like an autobiography. Instead, they are thematic excerpts of any story that you wish to tell. Did you know that Maya Angelou has published seven memoirs?

During the workshop we completed a couple fun writing exercises. My favorite exercise was the "Six Word Memoir." I wrote: perpetually displaced youth builds spiritual crescendo.

What's yours?

Equipped with writing strategies and affirmation I will begin my first memoir tomorrow. I admit that this attempt is much more promising than this summer when I picked up a "how-to" book by an older white author. I simply didn't connect. Today's workshop was filled almost entirely with women of color with compelling and complicated histories.

During my introduction, I shared that over the years I'd become an activist-documentarian, and I believed it was finally time to document my own reality. After all, a thoughtful and talented friend reminds us: we cannot continue to make sense of the world without continuing to make sense of ourselves.

Read, write, share!

Sustenance Which Kills

The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching, Thich Nhat Hanh.

[Four kinds of nutriments can lead to our happiness or suffering: edible food, sense impressions, intention, and consciousness. Regarding edible food, Buddha offered this example.]

"A young couple and their two-year-old child were trying to cross the desert, and they ran out of food. After deep reflection, the parents realized that in order to survive they had to kill their son and eat this flesh. They calculated that if they ate such and such a proportion of their baby's flesh each day and carried the rest on their shoulders to dry, it would last the rest of the journey.
But with every morsel of their baby's flesh they ate, the young couple cried and cried.

After he told this story, the Buddha asked, 'Dear friends, do you think the young man and woman enjoyed eating their son's flesh?' 'No, Lord, it would not be possible for them to enjoy eating their son's flesh.' The Buddha said, Yet many people eat the flesh of their parents, their children, and their grandchildren and do not know it.'"

R.

A Dream Never Dreamt

In the New Republic, I read an incisive article, Monsters' Ball: Global authoritarianism on the march, which made me pause about another startling global trend.

Kyrgyzstan, Turkmenistan, Lebanon, Thailand, Kenya, Nigeria, Democratic Republic of Congo, Philippines, Jordan (and others), all share a common political reality: grim futures brought by newly failed democracic governments. No part of the world has gone untouched or for that matter, unscathed, by democratization gone awry. Democracy may follow the way of colonial imperialism (some have yet to understand that imperialism is still immoral in any form).

The article surveys unique challenges each struggling nation faces installing historically-democratic institutions like free and fair elections within its own contexts. Ironically, as these governments have collapsed into more overtly repressive regimes, citizens have taken to the streets in protest, swelling in large numbers, and have effectively forced responsiveness from leaders--in part because there was no other choice. We see desperation drive democracy and democracy drive ever more desperation. How is this possible?

Well, like other distant analysis about worldwide democracies, American writers often omit that the first democractic experiment of modern times has not lived up to its rhetoric. Instead, we have exported our deeply distorted democractic "product" abroad.

So when will we know for certain that democracy has failed? What does a future without democracy and without capitalism look like after all?

You're So Relevant...

You reduce me to cosmic tears. Luminous more so than most anyone. Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach. - So Pure.

Saying you were talking crazy
That you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth...

If we were our bodies
If we were our futures
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you - Joining You.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience - Head Over Feet.

I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh airI
don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door - Not the Doctor.

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down - Thank U.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you - That I Would Be Good.

Dear Terrance I love you muchly
You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
And nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me? - Unsent.

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer - 21 Things I Want In A Lover.

You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in
You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends - Precious Illusions.

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door - Narcissus.

We thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate
In what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. I am - That Particular Time.

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(And there are no strings attached) - You Owe Me Nothing In Return.

Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
With the state this land is in
You and me feel joined only by gender
We are not all for one and one for all
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in - Sister Blister.

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And God wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell - Excuses.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here - Everything.

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here - Not As We.

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight - Uninvited.

My favorite lyrics from a great Love-Philosopher whom I recently saw in concert: Alanis Morissette. Once a middle-school icon, I've re-discovered her during a seminal time in my life. When, like many others around me, I am singularly defining love, life and the world around us.

R.

Why Autumn Is My Favorite Season

I often find myself making labor-intense commitments to a particular friend, and as recent as June, after seven, long-toiling weeks, a twenty-page sitcom pilot appeared.

Among the few souls who read the manuscript, one person was dissatisfied its ending, in which each character displays his or her best attributes in a concluding musical montage and the narrator sums up the sitcom's theme: "we all do the best that we can."

It's an observation that doesn't induce chuckling, yet brings into fruition the human common-denominator (an element contained in all funny shows).

And it's true. We can't ask anymore from ourselves than our best and what we can do at a particular time. Imperfect (hilarious) sitcom characters teach us so much.

Autumn is my favorite season for its beauty and symbolism. But, too, it is the season which forgives our imperfections. We are forced to re-enter life's cycle, though, we do so among splendor. Fall allows any observer to simply take a regenerative pause.

Vivid colors lead to new paths.

I Hear Crickets

Wait. (Peering high-and-low).

It couldn't be? (Scanning left-to-right).

I think...No. False alarm. An Obama cut-out.

Now, are you telling me that there are virtually no brown people at the RNC convention? (Trying really hard to contrive a "shocked" expression.) I tell you, Washington Post, when I emerge from the dustiness of the law school, yes, you keep me informed.

I came across not one, but two stories (including a Post article, front page) about the "lack of diversity" at the current RNC convention. See, I know it's newsworthy that the black delegate count (some 30 out of nearly 3000) is the lowest in recorded history, because what that actually means is George W. Bush attracted more black people in 2004, which I wouldn't believe it if it weren't reported by a national newspaper.

The interesting part, however, is that the few brown people at the convention are surprised.

I'm completely serious.

As are they. Perhaps the entire vanload of Republican people of color are a little out of touch?

Oh. I don't know why Republican diversity is dwindling.

(Sneeze, sneeze, FencingoffMexicoNooseResurgancePoliceShootingsALittleKnownHurricane
OlympicPoliticsTwentyYearOldWorldwideEpidemicWaronIslamEnergyHypocrisy
PrisontoCollegeRatioLivingWageDonImusProbablyVotesRepublican, cough, cough).

Sorry. Glitch in my throat.
R.