You're So Relevant...

You reduce me to cosmic tears. Luminous more so than most anyone. Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach. - So Pure.

Saying you were talking crazy
That you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth...

If we were our bodies
If we were our futures
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you - Joining You.

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience - Head Over Feet.

I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh airI
don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy now
I don't want to be your mother I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door - Not the Doctor.

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it
Was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down - Thank U.

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good whether with or without you - That I Would Be Good.

Dear Terrance I love you muchly
You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
And nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time
You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
What was wrong with me? - Unsent.

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer - 21 Things I Want In A Lover.

You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in
You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends - Precious Illusions.

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door - Narcissus.

We thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate
In what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself
In the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself. I am - That Particular Time.

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(And there are no strings attached) - You Owe Me Nothing In Return.

Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
With the state this land is in
You and me feel joined only by gender
We are not all for one and one for all
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in - Sister Blister.

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And God wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell - Excuses.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here - Everything.

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here - Not As We.

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight - Uninvited.

My favorite lyrics from a great Love-Philosopher whom I recently saw in concert: Alanis Morissette. Once a middle-school icon, I've re-discovered her during a seminal time in my life. When, like many others around me, I am singularly defining love, life and the world around us.

R.

Why Autumn Is My Favorite Season

I often find myself making labor-intense commitments to a particular friend, and as recent as June, after seven, long-toiling weeks, a twenty-page sitcom pilot appeared.

Among the few souls who read the manuscript, one person was dissatisfied its ending, in which each character displays his or her best attributes in a concluding musical montage and the narrator sums up the sitcom's theme: "we all do the best that we can."

It's an observation that doesn't induce chuckling, yet brings into fruition the human common-denominator (an element contained in all funny shows).

And it's true. We can't ask anymore from ourselves than our best and what we can do at a particular time. Imperfect (hilarious) sitcom characters teach us so much.

Autumn is my favorite season for its beauty and symbolism. But, too, it is the season which forgives our imperfections. We are forced to re-enter life's cycle, though, we do so among splendor. Fall allows any observer to simply take a regenerative pause.

Vivid colors lead to new paths.

I Hear Crickets

Wait. (Peering high-and-low).

It couldn't be? (Scanning left-to-right).

I think...No. False alarm. An Obama cut-out.

Now, are you telling me that there are virtually no brown people at the RNC convention? (Trying really hard to contrive a "shocked" expression.) I tell you, Washington Post, when I emerge from the dustiness of the law school, yes, you keep me informed.

I came across not one, but two stories (including a Post article, front page) about the "lack of diversity" at the current RNC convention. See, I know it's newsworthy that the black delegate count (some 30 out of nearly 3000) is the lowest in recorded history, because what that actually means is George W. Bush attracted more black people in 2004, which I wouldn't believe it if it weren't reported by a national newspaper.

The interesting part, however, is that the few brown people at the convention are surprised.

I'm completely serious.

As are they. Perhaps the entire vanload of Republican people of color are a little out of touch?

Oh. I don't know why Republican diversity is dwindling.

(Sneeze, sneeze, FencingoffMexicoNooseResurgancePoliceShootingsALittleKnownHurricane
OlympicPoliticsTwentyYearOldWorldwideEpidemicWaronIslamEnergyHypocrisy
PrisontoCollegeRatioLivingWageDonImusProbablyVotesRepublican, cough, cough).

Sorry. Glitch in my throat.
R.

Anahata

Today, my
Spirit silently shares,
"I have seen you" and,
For which I am no longer,
The same
Person, possessing this
Reluctantly beating heart,
With deepest force, one which,
Thrusts from past lives,
Breaking through a brilliant light,
To shower upon us, you and me,
The promise of our paths,
For our felt presence, coupled centuries long,
Transcends these current choices toward,
A sweet reunion, surrender,
When you do not fall in, rather
You simply accept to.

RAF

A Truth about Soundlessness & Silence

I experienced a deep thinking period during meditation this weekend. A change in surroundings makes you acutely aware.

From an empty house; from a mentally remote bus ride; from walking back, and forth; from receding into my own thoughts. When, after a highly energized theatre performance, two housemates and I drudged two miles back home on foot in darkness, once our evening clumsily diffused from a string of unfortunate events. Quietness enveloped us along the way, yet I felt unmoved by the soundlessness. These days, I am ambivalent by the absence of sound.

Sunday evening, I enter a meditative state where my essential self and body separate, and my senses are turn inward. And I experience silence, which, as I remember it, is a place that profoundly enjoy. Its serenity, its temerity, its paradox, its substance. Silence is present, and it contains the sound of the world opening to you.

So the next time you are inside your own head, contemplating, scheming, or feeling your way through, struggle past your muted surroundings, and perhaps, surrender yourself to the silence. It welcomes you.

R.

Say It, Girl

A powerful excerpt from Ntozake Shange's Sassafrass, Cypress & Indigo:

Otis (reading from his book)
Ebony Cunt: for my mama and my grandma and all the women I rammed in Macon, Georgia when I was visitin' my cousins at age sixteen:

The white man want you/ the Indian run off with you
Spaniards created whole nations with you/ black queensilk snatch
I wander all in your wombs and make babies in the Bronx when I come/ you screammmmmmm/ jesus/ my blk man
ebony cunt is worth all the gold in the world / 15 millions of your shinin' blk bodies crossed the sea to bring all that good slick pussy to me...

Mitch
Sassafrass, what's wrong with you? Sit down. Otis gotta finish the book; he isn't even done with the first page...

Sassafrass (standing still)
Just one god-damned minute, Mitch. You gotta mother you supposedly love so much, and daughter by a black woman who won't see you...and you got me all messed up, and tryin' to make you happy...god damn it, I don't haveta listen to this shit. I am not interested in your sick, sick, weakly rhapsodies about all the women you fucked in all your damn lives...I don't like it.

I am not about to sit heah and listen to a bunch of no account niggahs talk about black women; me and my sisters; like we was the same bought and sold at slave auction...breeding heifers the white man created 'cause y'all was frascinated by some god damn beads he brought you on the continent...muthafuckahs.

Yeah, that's right; muthafuckahs, don't you ever sit in my house and ask me to celebated my inherited right to be raped. Goddamn muthafuckahs. Don't you know about anything' besides taking women off, or is that really all you good for?


Ummm, hmmm.
R.

Universe, Calling

Fast forward two and a half weeks. New home (Washington DC), new people (along with the old-faithful), new station in life (organizing to law school, an "Obama reverse").

As I can, I walk a little over a mile from American's main campus to law school in the mornings. During the last couple of days, I've passed a grassy field occupied by teen, female, soccer players. They are clustered around an evidently confident coach who is bestowing instructions. Indeed, I have descended upon none other than soccer camp, and I cannot help but take a deep sigh. My heart glows! I was once among them, almost ten years ago. And it suddenly dawns on me that when attending summer camp that I was training for the Sydeny Olympics. That is, before I quit.

In earlier posts I've alluded to my bygone "athletic" days that I have recently reclaimed. I think, however, that I've seldom shared why I let it go. It's complicated. Yet, in short, a combination of factors, including the pressure-cooking-competitive environment of the girls soccer Olympic track, created an irreconcilable distance between my passion for the game and where I found myself only seven short years later. So when a National team coach lectured us after an exceptionally hard practice when I was 13 about the choice we had to make: either battling our way to the top 1% or deciding that we wanted "to do other things." He didn't have to tell me twice...

About ten minutes later I'm in a law classroom.

I know that these exam preparation tips are important but I made a discovery. At 23, I've claimed three primary identities (though, each has always been very present when not primary). From the time I could walk to 14, I was an athlete. Once I left soccer until last year, I was a justice-seeker/activist. Now, I can feel myself evolving into a new primary identity of which I cannot quite name yet. Maybe "intellectual?" "Scholar?" I dunno. But it entails a lot of mental lifting and flexing.

I'm aware that such changes are very normal during the course of one's lifetime. I guess it's peculiar being conscience of it while it is happening, particularly when you're not (chronologically) old.

The important part, though, about this discovery is my internal restless that has been my self-sabotage. I haven't achieved my full potential yet. When unsatisified or unchallenged, I usually more onto the next thing. I don't regret this. Instead, I've been waiting for the right moment. This time is apparently now.

When I sat in the classroom this past week, parsing legal concepts and turning over ideas, I realized that I'm well-suited for this challenge--intellectually and emotionally. I will take it upon myself to exercise a degree of discipline and finally, for the first time in my life, realize my full self. Call it, redemption.

Inspired,
R.